Gaga is sitting across from me at one of our favorite coffee shops and your name comes up. We reminisce about something we did with you when you were smaller and tears form in my eyes. I tell her, "I don't know what it is about this birthday but I'm so emotional lately." I say I don't know why but, I do - this is a big one. A milestone birthday. Every one before now has been special in its own way but turning 5 is a bit like reaching the top of a mountain...it's just one of many stops along the climb, I realize, but look at what we've done so far.
We have successfully navigated all of those big toddler challenges that define your first few years. Together, we tackled breast feeding, sleeping through the night, ditching the bottle, potty training and a big boy bed. Each task seeming monumental at the time and now, just simple parts of your daily routine. And though you may not understand why, you should be so proud of yourself too, especially with the independence you've gained over the past year, starting with preschool.
That was the hardest moment for us yet, myself included. Until then, we hadn't spent much time apart. You were either in my care or spending time with Gaga and suddenly you turned 4 and it was time to watch you walk away by the hand of a stranger into a new setting and just hope we had done everything to best prepare you for a good experience. I'll never forget how hard that first week was; me, anxiously sitting at Starbucks on your first day, crying because you were and waiting for you to be done so I could immediately come back. The next day, the teacher peeled you off me as you cried and they told me to just trust it would get better and of course it did. You had a great year with so much progress made.
Now, as we count down the days until kindergarten, I am left with the same big feelings, as it's a much longer time before I get to "come back." For the first time, you will be spending a full school day away from me, learning, making friends and fine tuning the independence we've worked on for the past 5 years. What an exciting time in your life! I am allowing myself to look forward to everything the school years will bring while also quietly mourning all of the time we previously had to just be together during the day, doing the most simple things. Whether we were visiting the library, going to Peets, hanging by the fountain or just watching Peppa, they have been the best days of my life and that's mostly because I have had my best friend by my side.
One of our greatest joys over the past year has been watching you grow in your role as the older brother. Yesterday, you two spent a full evening playing together on our swing set after dinner, without any intervening from Dada or I. You were laughing, squealing with delight and finding ways to make him feel better if he was hurt. It has taken us two years to get to the point where you can play on an equal level with one another and it is a beautiful thing to see because understandably so, there were many challenging situations along the way. Staying home with you both was a huge adjustment for me and there were some very long days. But for every argument or tantrum between you and Lawson, there has been two more hugs, butterfly kisses and shared cups of orange juice on the couch. I will never forget you coming with us for his two year doctor checkup and crying when he cried, because you couldn't stand to see him sad.
That's how deeply you feel.
You care with all of your heart for everything that is special to you. You love your stuffed animals like they are real pets of your own. You ahh and ooh at strangers babies to make them smile, saying, "Mama, look at that sweet baby!" You still hug "the man with the lantern" statue in our neighborhood as we walk by, wishing him a good day and telling him you will see him again soon. You cuddle your blanky when you need to feel safe, collect nature treasures at the lake house and think about the injured bird in our yard days after he is gone, hoping he has found his way back home. You initiate the big "Family hug" before bedtime, telling us how much you love our Family, but Ronan...if you only knew how we feel about you.
In our bones, in our heart and in every single move we make.
I am so proud of everything you have accomplished thus far and the person you're becoming. You are nurturing, thoughtful, exhaustingly curious, brave, emotional, smart, deeply loving, a bit cunning, a little too stubborn (must be hereditary!), a creature of habit and one of the sweetest five year olds I know. I will miss you more than you know as you embark on your next adventure this year but I can't wait for so many others to see all the magic you have inside you. And there are so many "just us" dates to come!
Happy 5th birthday to my sweet Ro. I love you to the moon and back.
Love, Mama
No comments
Post a Comment